The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
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Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Perfect
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
you have three unread messages
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
This hospital has everything
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee