Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.

I hope this email finds you in a well

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.

Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?

Me: Your head.

I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

ME: should we give it a dry rub

CORONER: get out

Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho

*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice

*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*

[First date]

Her: I like bad boys.

Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.

I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

girls literally only want one thing..

Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one

Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

accidentally clicking the spam button on someone you email regularly but being too lazy to undo it and seeing how it plays out

Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.