The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
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I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
Smile Twitter, Smile.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.