The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
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I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.