Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

HELP 😭

Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,

I’m a terrible gardener.

Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.

My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here

COP: please step out of your vehicle

ME: finally *leaves body*

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA

Relax, this is my emotional support knife.

No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

O Wise One….

doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants

me: *taking underpants off my head* fine

Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry

just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man

[Job interview]

Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?

Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.

Executive: You’re hired.

Me: I’ll start in a week.

Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.

My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv

Jungle book…she meant jungle book

What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.

#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe

My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*

Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!

My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*

Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-

INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?

ME: How do I access the WIFI?

INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job

ME: Is that all capital?

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now

[framing store]

SALESPERSON: how can I help you

ME: make it look like my wife did a murder

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

always be there