The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
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*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
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Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”