Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *covers foot with blanket*

Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*

Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.

Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring

When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”

My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*

I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*

Pet hermit crab: no wait go back

Announcer: welcome to house hunters

How to keep the seat next to you empty.

The struggle is real

I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.

*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?

Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.

If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.

What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?

I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use

lot going on here, legally speaking.