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Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
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I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…
But I’m worried he might take a fence.
#Jokes
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I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
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Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax