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Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.