Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats

I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.

barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie

me: thank you for the word ‘just’

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?

Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-

Him: *running away*

Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite

Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.

Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.

“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”

my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two

*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*

People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.

From my Mom

Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth

don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious

if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!

When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.

I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.

“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?

*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?

Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”

Me: “Yes I did.”

Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”

Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐

i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi

In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.

So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid