The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
You Might Also Like
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
I have some bad news about people who work in offices
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
sistine chapel
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.