The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
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McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Current mood: Potato
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.