The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
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Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Today’s Times
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
This was the best day of my life
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50