the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
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[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Church Pugh’s
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
There is no “we” in pizza
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
time machine? you mean a clock?
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip