the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
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If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
this has to be peak English
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much