The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
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“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
So many people to disappoint, so little time
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Favourite diary entry ever
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry