the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
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[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.