The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
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Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
This meal prepping shit easy
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?