@omgthatspunny

The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.

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@JessObsess

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

@Cheeseboy22

The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.

@emilylime

The more exclamation marks I use, the more I’m lying: Miss you too girl!!! Yea I’d love to go to lunch!!!!! Sorry something came up!!!!!!!!

@Ngamsi_

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

@dave_cactus

*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*

@MondayPajamas

Girl, you don’t even know how crazy I am about you….

I’m thinking about digging my mom up so she can meet you.

@Social_Mime

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.

@squirrel74wkgn

Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …