Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
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[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack