The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.

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*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.


The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.


The more exclamation marks I use, the more I’m lying: Miss you too girl!!! Yea I’d love to go to lunch!!!!! Sorry something came up!!!!!!!!


Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you


*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*


Girl, you don’t even know how crazy I am about you….

I’m thinking about digging my mom up so she can meet you.


If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.


Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Priest: …