Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)

Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.

Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.

Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately

Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?

Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this

mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places

[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”

me choking on my own saliva for no reason.

Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.

Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?

Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are

I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.

if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast

JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days

Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.

fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms

thats my bad

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse

Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?

Me: You wrote a play?

Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.

Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?

me: i have good and bad news

her: bad first

me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks

her: what’s the good news

me: i found waldo

Got a light