Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hmmmmmmm….

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?

A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

[using Ouija Board]

“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”

Wife: I’m going out now

Me: Wait! Where are you going?

Wife: Yes.

*door slams*

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend

Darkness: *rolls eyes*

I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.

when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”

Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.

16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

I’m already scared

my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.

Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.

Me: Isn’t it fun?

Me: *getting struck by lightning*

Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?

So, I got banned from the toy store today…

constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one

You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.

Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.

Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.

They did it with a straight face too.

[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]

hi, I would like to make a return

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.