The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
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Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.