The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
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HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.