Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs

her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin

me:

her:

me: i’m taking a plane, Karen

You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.

wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels

When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.

There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.

Okay, Feds.

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

Spider-cat: No One Home

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?

Me: yes

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

I don’t think my car can fly

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.

not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?

Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.

Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?

Me: Not today, Satan.

Her: Mom, stop calling me that.

“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?

My kids tell me I drink too much.

It’s funny they don’t make the connection.

I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

Everyone is always doing laundry

*changes name to laundry

I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.

She was really dark.

No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.

wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?

me: with… with your glasses.