Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.

Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago

Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.

Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.

Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup

{phone call}

MRS. TURTLE: Hello?

MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away

Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?

Vampire: I don’t.

Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-

Vampire: also no.

Only God can judge me.

*gets hit by lightning*

I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.

I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

Me: Okay, you’re up

Kid: …. Trick or Treat

Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!

Kid: Mom, this is stupid

Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???

[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh

Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.

I’m going to remember this night forever!!!

Tequila – You sure about that?

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.

It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁

#dnd #ttrpg

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

*hangs out at graveyard*

I like older men.

the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.