Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

“Eat cheese and sin.”

This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️

a house without a chimney should be called a nouse

Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.

You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.

“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”

Me: *looks up from phone*

“What?”

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex

ME: we learned a lot though

HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”

Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.

~ Scotchgard

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.

ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail

Yes, I’m English.

No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.

“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.

My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”

*door opens*

BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!