Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me

pizza guy: u sure?

My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *

*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready

I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess

So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.

Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff

“You CAN even.”

– white girl life coach

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.

*House Hunters

“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”

Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?

Remember, when a package says “sharing size”, that’s just a guideline. They have no enforcement mechanism

“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”

“Oh. CrossFit?”

“No. Gambling.”

“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show

A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.

My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now

Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨

*solves baby formula supply chain issues*

Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear.

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

Packing for a 2 day trip like I’m gunna shit my pants 3 times and go swimming

The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.

“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early

I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.

Husband: Why are you so grumpy?

Me: I’m not grumpy.

My face:

I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH

I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe