The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
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3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
they finally got him. they got macavity
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Quadruple digit IQ
Reporter: *ports again*
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.