Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful

Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!

Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense

Well there goes my Wednesday night.

My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.

“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.

museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.

He runs Facebook.

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late

Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass

it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you

Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.

Dear toilet paper companies

I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?

9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.

Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.

9yo: You’re making it worse.

hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button

“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher

Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?

What they said: Want to go camping?

Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name

How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.

I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.

*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]

As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job

Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*