The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
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Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
You got this…
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
“i miss shittin on people”
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”