The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
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plant them where lol
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo