Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.

{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?

USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔

Doctor said I need to eat more salad.

History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”

You mean like NOW?

One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.

My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

I wasn’t snoring..

I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.

It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.

[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album

it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.

them: did u get my email?

me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.

*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.

Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?

Want proof advertising works?

I just bought a Goodyear blimp.

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*

It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.

Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?