The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
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I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
A completely valid reaction tbh
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
I can fix him.
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
What personal space?
My dog
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
I only look at Wordle for the articles
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.