The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
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Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
✌🏽
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car