The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
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Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated