Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one

Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it

My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.

13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.

Me: What were you doing earlier?

13: Resting so I could stay up late.

[The next day]

Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went

George Michael: She woke me up before she went went

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.

Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.

Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?

there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public

My little toaster: *catches on fire*

Me: Coward.

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”

The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.

There are two types of people in this world:

1) Good people

2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.

[first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.

[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.

Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.

my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.

if a cop pulls u over play dead

Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge

ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day

FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?

ME: no, I just had the one

It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.