Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.

[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”

When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.

My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor

Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.

Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Probably my communication skills.

GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—

DOLPHIN: What’s that one?

GOD: That’s an e.

DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.

GOD: But you—

DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.

Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.

An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.

Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.

my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock

Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.

I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.

ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?

Couple goals

“Keep it in your pants!”

-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.