The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
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I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home