The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
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waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Whenever someone asks me if my dog is adopted I respond with, “no, she’s biologically mine.”
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Namaste
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Smells like a challenge to me
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks