Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito

woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”

The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.

Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f

If you breakdance you buy dance.

Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy

Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

Secure web server:

> Email/password please.

Insecure web server:

> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?

My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

You better wish for more oil

Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair

Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?

Antique dealer: …What?

If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.