The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
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I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
no one likes gloating
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.