The struggle is real.
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Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.