The struggle is real
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sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic