Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..

me: i’m late

boss: again?

me: it’s yours

DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”

Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!

*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?

Me too

Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart

My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?

At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*

*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross

I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.

man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.

customer service: do you have the boomerang?

man: no, that’s the whole problem

I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.

Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog

So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..

Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear

Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old

on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it

I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice

not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret

ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.