The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
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Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
I’ve decided to stop telling dad jokes for the new year, I know they are…
Much Much You You You You Handle Handle.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
3% human
97% stress
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.