The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
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Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”