Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits

ME: how can i prepare for my date

FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids

ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller

Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge

tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.

20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—

40: wtf just happened

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”

I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help

Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate

A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?

*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with

Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you

If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this

When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?

I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.

asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny

“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings