the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
