the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.
You Might Also Like
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
🤣dope
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.