the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
