the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.
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Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.