The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
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getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases