The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
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why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.