The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
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Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Anarchy
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.