*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
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Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.