@thehumanxp

The stunning clarity of this wave

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@WhitneyCummings

if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.

@ArfMeasures

WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18

“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”

WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again

@andrewnotsicko

Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”

I don’t know either, kid

@stewnami

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

@rebrafsim

Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not

@TeflonPawn

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

@momtribevibe

My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.