The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
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That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
My dog learned how to text
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”