The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
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him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Muppet Screams
