The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
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can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.