The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
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*sewing*
A thread
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted