Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.

I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.

[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out

Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move

My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”

“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.

*bolts upright in bed..

If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?

Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.

“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”

When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?

me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made

him: oh no, did you overreact-

me: no, I just threw them out

him: oh

me: then I ate the tacos

him:

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.

“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –

Me, the day after the office Christmas party.

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.

Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive

Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.

Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.

What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.

Me: These books are half price.

Wife: Yeah.

Me: So I can save money.

Wife: Uh huh.

Me: By buying ten times as many.

Wife: NO.

Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.

How high do the levels go?

Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps

my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on

I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up

me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?

therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good

hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what

*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*

My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?