the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
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my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side
me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.