GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
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Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Cheer up.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.