The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
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To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
This is I, Robot all over again
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
the dark web is just a goth google.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
