The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
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[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
This is true.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.