The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
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[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
how high up are we talkin’?
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?