The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
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Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh