The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
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I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
Me in tagged photos
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.